2/23/20 – Journal Entry

Trigger warning: Suicide

I recently got released from the hospital after being admitted because of two back to back suicide attempts. I overdosed both times. I’m not ok and it’ll probably be a while before I am again. But I’m no longer suicidal so that counts for something. During my first attempt, I was drunk. Drinking is something I’ve resorted to doing every weekend. My second attempt, less than 48 hours after the first, we pretty impulsive. I’ve always been an impulsive person mainly due to having bipolar disorder. I was told I was so drugged up I was doing and saying all types of shit. I did things like message my ex and I was hallucinating… but I don’t remember much about any of this. All the medication I took really fucked with my memory. My nerves have also been really bad. I’ve been shaking and biting my nails and I’ve had to take my anxiety meds every day.

Honestly, I don’t think I would have lasted one more day being locked away in the psych unit. It wasn’t as bad as my previous stays have been though. I tried to keep some of my same habits like my morning routine. I got up each day and meditated, read, wrote, made my bed, and had coffee. I hate change so for me it was best to stick with my routine.

In the past, I’ve had issues with certain staff members so let’s just say I have a hard time trusting medical professionals.

I go back to work on Friday. I miss my kids and can’t wait to see their beaming faces. I’ll spend this week relaxing and trying to get my mind right. I have to remember: it’s ok not to be ok.

Photo by Marcelo Leal on Unsplash