I remember being in a relationship with my abusive ex and feeling so alone. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anyone to talk to about what he was doing to me. I knew I wasn’t going to leave so I chose to keep my mouth shut. The time I spent with him was one of the most miserable times of my life. I begged him to stop. Stop lying. Stop sneaking. Stop cheating. I begged him to never hit me again. And of course, he said he wouldn’t but the thing about abusers is that if they hit you once, they’ll hit you again. I stayed for several reasons but mainly because I felt like I loved him. I felt like I couldn’t live without him. He’d convinced me I was nothing without him and that no other person would ever love me. He told me on several different occasions that I made him hit me. That he’d never hit any other female. For a while after we broke up, I wanted to get back with him because I didn’t know how to move on without him.
That’s the thing about making someone your world. When the shit comes crashing down, you’re left with nothing. I was left trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to tape and glue my heart back together. When I talk about needing to heal from my trauma, this is one of the things I’m referring to.
I’ll heal one day.