It’s the end of 2019 and with the new year quickly approaching I’ve been spending time reflecting. I’ve been thinking about all of my accomplishments from this year. There’s one that stands out more than all the others; I survived. Since 2012 I’ve had at least one suicide attempt each year. 2019 was the first time in 7 years I didn’t attempt to take my life. For me, this is such a huge accomplishment because I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation since I was 11. This is not to say I didn’t struggle at all this year because I did. There were moments where I contemplated ending my life and moments where I self-harmed to try and cope with my thoughts and feelings. I’ve come a long way and learning not to self-harm when I’m experiencing trouble is something I’m working on in therapy. I’ve been self-harming since I was 11 and I’m fully aware it’ll most likely take a few years of therapy and healing for me to be able to resist the urge. With that being said, I’m proud of myself for making it through this year alive.
When I think back to all of my suicide attempts, I’m glad they failed. I’m glad I’m still here and that’s not something I thought I’d ever be able to say. Living with mental illness is the toughest battle I’ve ever had to fight… it’s a battle that will never be over but I’m becoming equipped with the tools necessary to keep me going.
I know I’m not the only person who has struggled to hold on or who is fighting with mental illness. If you’re reading this, I want to say I’m proud of you for surviving 2019. Sometimes we feel like there are so many reasons to give up and we desperately search for one reason to keep going. Whatever your reason is, keep it close. This is my last post of 2019, I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year. See you in 2020!
Photo by Suad Kamardeen on Unsplash
ItsJaiMarie 