Holding on does not serve me. It is time for me to let go and move on.
When we hold on to what no longer serves us, we’re holding ourselves back. I often think of all the things I have yet to let go, of all the bags I have yet to unpack. I realize that by continuing to hold on, I’m not giving myself a chance to heal. I’m not giving myself a chance to be happy, free, and at peace.
During my morning meditation I always give myself space to sit with all my painful feelings and all the harmful thoughts I have. It’s difficult and I can literally feel my body reliving certain situations. My anxiety creeps up but I remind myself to breathe through it. Healing means feeling. How can we let go if we don’t allow ourselves to feel?
Lately my therapy sessions have been trauma focused. I’ve opened up to my therapist more about how much experiencing domestic violence has truly impacted me. I believe everyone in my life thought that I’d moved on from it since I rarely discuss it. Truth is, it lives with me everyday. I get vivid flashbacks of what was done to me. I relive it over and over again. I sit for hours obsessing over every detail from both my relationships in which I experienced domestic violence. Since one of these took place earlier this year, that’s the one we’ve been focusing on. I’m at a place where I know it’s time for me to heal and move on. Not for him or for anyone else, but for me. My therapist told me I’m struggling with some PTSD, which I already knew but to hear her confirm it really put things into perspective for me.
There are times where I can literally feel one of my ex’s hand as he slaps me in the face. Or times where I feel my other ex’s hands still wrapped around my throat. It gets hard to breathe, but there’s always a little voice in my head saying, “Remember your breath.”
I know that I’ll never forget what I went through. I know that I can’t erase it from my memory but I also know that holding on is doing more bad than good. I’ve made the conscious decision not to stay stuck in that victim mentality. That goes for anything that has happened to me over the years. I am no one’s victim. I’m a survivor. I’ve survived physical, sexual, emotional and mental abuse. I’ve survived 10+ suicide attempts. I’ve survived being bullied. I’ve survived having my heart ripped out of my chest and stomped on.
All that being said, this message is for you. You that’s holding onto the past. You that can’t seem to get out of your head. You that lies awake at night feeling broken. You that can no longer fight back your tears. It’s time to heal. Know that you are seen and heard. I feel you and I love you.
Photo by Ante Gudelj on Unsplash
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