I thought I would hate you. I thought after you pinned me against the wall and choked the life out of me that I would hate you. Truth is, I still loved you. For months I found myself still loving you. Still wanting to reach out to you. Still hoping you’d call. Still living in denial because in the back of my mind I had convinced myself that there could still be an us. Even after you left my body bruised and aching, even after you called me out my name, even after you betrayed me… I still had hope. For months I tried to fill the void you left by going on the rebound. I was having sex to cope with the pain and trauma that was embedded in my heart. I started drinking copious amounts of alcohol to numb myself. For a while, I didn’t know if I could live without you because let’s be honest, I depended on you for so much. I needed you to make me happy. I needed you to be my savior. You were my safe haven. I thought I needed you to complete me. So how was I to go on without you? I didn’t know my worth. I wasn’t happy on my own.
The day after we broke up, I went to work and tried to act like my life wasn’t falling apart… but I couldn’t keep myself together and I had a breakdown in front of everyone. I thought my life was over. Over the past year since we went our separate ways, I’ve spent many days and nights crying. There were a handful of times I’d wake up, rollover, and expect to see you beside me, only to have reality smack me in the face. I was reminded every day that it was over between us.
Sometimes I question if you ever loved me or if the years we spent together meant nothing. I think of all the wonderful memories we created and wonder how it couldn’t have been love. If it wasn’t love, what was it? Although shit ended the way it did, I’ll never deny the good times we shared. From the moment we had our first date, we were inseparable. We had each other’s backs through all the storms we faced. I honestly believed we’d get married someday. I thought we’d grow old together but I now realize that even good things come to an end. I now realize that just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean the two of you are meant to be.
We weren’t meant to be and I’ve accepted that.
I’m still trying to find the lesson in it all. I think I needed this to happen (us breaking up) so that I could learn to be alone and actually be happy with myself. I’ve been learning to love myself and it has been a messy but beautiful experience. Sometimes obstacles are placed in front of us and they seem impossible to overcome. A year ago I didn’t see myself getting through this or being where I am now. I’m happy without you. I’m healing and whole without you.
I wanted to hate you, to never forgive you but I realized I’d only be hurting myself. Forgiving you is something I’m still working on but I’ve done hours and hours of meditation, journaling, and therapy and it has helped with the healing process.
I stopped crying over you. I’m not sure exactly when but I have. I used to call my mom in the middle of the night crying my eyes out about you… but one day it stopped. One day I realized that I’m ok.
I’ve fallen out of love with you thankfully. My only hope is that one day I can close my eyes and not see your hands around my throat. One day I’ll heal from the trauma. One day all the memories of us, good and bad will fade. One day I’ll love myself more than I ever loved you.
One day I’ll realize all I was supposed to learn from this experience.
Thank you for everything you taught me. Thank you for the ups and downs. Thank you for the lesson. It is time for me to let go and move on.
Photo by Yuvraj Singh on Unsplash