I’ve been celibate for 100 days. For me, this is a huge accomplishment. For as long as I can remember, I’ve used sex as a way to cope with my pain. For me, it was easier to just fuck it all away. Sometimes it helped but other times I’d be left lying there in a puddle of tears because I knew what I’d just done wasn’t worth it. After my breakup earlier this year, I went on the rebound which I discussed in a previous blog post. It was fun in the beginning but here I am 7 months post-breakup and I’m riddled with regret. I regret going on the rebound because it’s what I’ve always done after I get my heart broken. I have never given myself time to heal. The last woman I had sex with back in July didn’t deserve for me to share my body with her and once I realized things were truly finished between her and I, I decided it was time for me to cut out sex and get my shit together. So here I am, 100 days later. There have been a few temptations and a few times I almost gave in but I’ve had enough self-control to stop before things got out of hand.
I struggle with being alone, which if you’re a regular reader of my blog, you already know. This celibacy is important to me because it’s forcing me to deal with my problems instead of using sex as a bandaid. It’s allowing me to heal from all the heartache and trauma I’ve experienced throughout the years. It’s showing me that a lot of the people I shared myself with didn’t deserve access to me. It’s teaching me how to be alone and love myself in the process. Of course, I miss sex. I miss the wetness of a woman and the feeling of a man. But I can’t keep repeating the same cycle.
I’m finding healthier ways to cope these days. I’m still meditating regularly. I’m journaling and finding other ways to connect with my body like masturbation, yoga, and dancing. My mental health hasn’t been stable these past few weeks but I’m trying to use my positive coping skills. It’s so easy to fall back into old habits.
This might sound cocky but I feel as though no one deserves me. I’m on a journey and a lot of people aren’t welcome to travel with me. Being celibate after going so long with having sex whenever you want is difficult. That being said, I know it’s what’s best for me right now. I’ve been through so many trials and tribulations these past few months and I’ve repeatedly been shown what I need to do for myself. Yet, I’ve chosen to ignore it. At this point, the pain I’m in is unbearable and I know if I don’t heal myself I’ll never be happy. If I don’t take this time to be alone now, I’ll never have that peace I’m searching for. Cutting out sex is just one thing on a list of many I had to do for myself.
One day, I’ll be ready to have sex again and I’ll make sure the man or woman it’s with is worth it. I’m not sure how long I’ll be celibate for…as of now I’m just going with what feels right.
I know this post is a little different from my usual blog posts but I felt the need to share it with you all because it still ties into mental health. I hope you’re doing well and staying safe.