A few months ago I broke my celibacy and it was the worst decision of my life. Not only was the sex bad (she smelled horrible down below and the sex overall was mediocre at best), but I had sex with someone from my past I promised myself I’d never give the time of day to again. The morning after, I cried. I was extremely disappointed with myself because I worked so hard to be celibate for 7 months, only to allow her to come in and ruin it. I knew she was no good for me and that’s why I immediately regretted it, but temptation got the best of me. This was someone who treated me like dirt on the bottom of their shoe, then tried to come back as if they’d done nothing wrong. As if I was just supposed to forgive them. I gave in and it wasn’t worth it at all. I quickly saw that her intentions weren’t pure and that the apology she tried to feed me was covered in lies.
Since having sex with her, I’ve gotten back on track with my celibacy. I spent days beating myself up. I hated myself for giving up so easily. I talked to my therapist, my close friend, and my mom about it, and they all offered words of encouragement. My therapist told me that what’s done is done and that I can’t go back and change it, all I can do now is move forward from it. So that’s what I’ve been doing. Considering how awful I felt after having sex with her, I can’t see myself breaking my celibacy again unless I feel like it’s what I truly want to do and like the person deserves to have me share my body with them.
Practicing celibacy has been great for my overall well-being. I’m more focused and I’ve been learning my worth. Yes, I slipped up but I’m not letting it weigh me down. When it comes to how being celibate has affected my mental health, it has positively impacted my mental state. I’m discovering the beauty of being alone. I’ve forced myself to confront my baggage and using sex as a way to cope. It has allowed me to cut the bad weeds from my life. I’m able to differentiate between who wants to genuinely get to know me, and who just wants sex. I honestly wasn’t planning on talking about breaking my celibacy but I always want to be transparent with my readers.
This is your reminder that you can restart as many times as you need to. It’s ok if you fall down. It’s ok if you mess up, but don’t completely give up. Reset. Restart. Readjust. Refocus. As many times as you need to.