Yesterday I had therapy. We discussed my feelings of emptiness and possible causes. We talked about if I believe I have purpose and what that purpose could be. Truth is I’m not sure what my purpose is. Sometimes it feels like I’m simply existing… like I have no meaning or value.
We also discussed GOD. I told her I believe in GOD but don’t have a religion I follow. She questioned what I felt like GOD’s purpose for me is and I honestly don’t know. I feel like it’s deeper than this. I know I believe in GOD but I don’t believe he’s the “big man in the sky”. I don’t know if GOD is man or woman. I don’t even know if GOD is a being or within all of is. GOD and I? We don’t speak. I don’t feel close to him or her. There’s a wall built up when it comes to GOD and I believe it’s there because of all I’ve been through. Over the years I’ve questioned GOD and why certain things have taken place.
If there’s a GOD why would he/she allow me to be molested?
If there’s a GOD why would he/she give me mental illness?
Why does he/she allow all this disastrous shit to happen?
Why? If he/she is in control. I guess these are just some of the things I ask myself when I think about GOD. Maybe there’s a correlation between my nonexistent relationship with GOD and my feelings of emptiness. I’m not usually vocal about this out of fear of judgement but it’s something I no longer want to keep inside. Maybe one day I will know GOD as well as my purpose but until then I will continue searching.