6/15/18 – Below is a journal entry I wrote at 8:43 this morning. It’s personal, like most of my content, but it’s different from my usual posts. I’m transitioning and just wanted to share my feelings with all of you.
Yesterday I had a conversation with both my mom and significant other. The conversation had to do with my final days as a 19-year-old, something I’m apparently the only person living whose freaked out about. I feel like the few people I’ve expressed my current state of mind to, think I’m being dramatic. However, I’m also aware that I feel and experience things on a different level than most. So, while others might view this as an overreaction, I know my feelings are still valid. I do tend to over analyze every thought or feeling that pops up into my mind. I’m constantly questioning certain aspects of life that I know I’ll never receive and answer for. I’ve spent the past 19 years transitioning from an infant to a toddler; a toddler to a school-aged child; school-aged to pre-teen; and pre-teen to a teen. Now, I’m sitting here with myself, trying to come to grips with the fact that at 12AM I will no longer be considered a teen. I’m somewhere in between excited and panicked. Joyful and sad. Ready and dreading. I remember turning 18 two years ago and thinking I was grown. Finally! I could do any and everything, whatever that meant. Aside from being able to buy cigarettes (I don’t smoke), being considered legal in terms of age, and being able to apply for better job opportunities. 18 wasn’t all it’s hyped up to be. I was still a kid and hell, as I transition into my 20’s, some will still consider me a kid. Here I am. I’m never going to see this day again. I will never be this age again. I think it’s important I keep in mind that birthday’s are a celebration of growth. I am growing, physically, mentally and emotionally. Part of me is fearful of what’s to come. I’ve made so many “adult” life changes in the first half of 2018…and I know there’s more.
Turning 20 might not be a big deal to others…but to me? I feel it. I’ve felt the change all over me. My body and mind have been attempting to adjust for the new phase and it’s been every bit of uncomfortable. There are a variety of emotions attached to growth.
I am growing.
I am becoming a woman.
This is my last day as 19-year-old Jaila Marie. Tomorrow I’ll be 20 and so now I spend this Friday saying goodbye to 19.
Ready or not…20 is coming.