3/23/22 – Journal Entry

This spiritual awakening is beautifully painful. I just finished crying. I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to cry. I cried for the healing that is taking place within me and around me. I cried for all the pain and trauma I have endured over the years. I cried for my inner child and for not knowing what I know now. I cried as I stood there chopping up onions and peppers for my breakfast. I cried because I needed a release.

Lately, I’ve felt distant from most things. Some days it feels like I’m merely existing and not really living. Other days I feel full of life and my outlook is completely positive. This journey I am on has me uncovering so much.

I realize I don’t truly know who I am or why I’m here. What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing with my life outside of writing?

I don’t know how one discovers their purpose or who they are. Sometimes my thoughts are moving so fast that I can’t keep up until I remember my breath and I’m able to center myself.

Is the spiritual journey supposed to feel this way? Am I supposed to feel crazy some days? Are things supposed to not make sense sometimes?

I know this journey is not all love and light, I’ve said that plenty of times. I know I must continue to walk through the darkness before I can reach the light.

Earlier, I said this journey is beautifully painful. It’s beautiful because my life has improved. Because I’ve learned to love myself. I’m more connected, aware, and accepting of things and especially of my life. I’ve experienced pure joy that I don’t think I would have witnessed without embarking on this journey. However, the pain that comes along with healing my wounds and awakening feels unbearable at times.

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