Life has been kicking my ass… literally. I usually don’t start my blog posts off being that blunt but I might as well get straight to the point. I’m currently going through a breakup, and it has been tough. On March 16th…I watched who I thought was the love of my life turn into a demon. The trauma he caused me still keeps me up some nights… but I’m doing a little better. On that day I lost both my lover and my best friend. For nearly 3 years we were inseparable. I got used to going to sleep in his arms and waking up, rolling over, and seeing his face. I got used to having him always around… so to go from that to being alone was a huge change for me and one thing about me is that I struggle when it comes to adapting to change.
Honestly, the first couple of weeks were the hardest. I cried day and night. I cried while at work, while watching Netflix, while listening to music. I cried while cooking, while trying to sleep at night. Basically, I cried any and everywhere. Part of me felt like my life was over. For so long I couldn’t see myself living without him and I definitely depended on him for happiness. I’ve always been that way when it comes to relationships. I give my all when I love someone. I search for happiness in others when the truth is happiness is an inside job. No one person should be your sole happiness… they should only add to your happiness. While I’m aware of this, it doesn’t stop me from seeking happiness in others. I’ve discussed how I have trouble being alone which brings me to my next point. How have I been coping with this breakup? My alcohol consumption has increased significantly since the breakup and I’ve been on the rebound, something I tend to do when I get my heartbroken. I go on the rebound because being alone is so terrifying that I’d rather have anyone than nobody at all. I want to change. I want to be happy with myself and by myself. I know in order to do that I have to focus on me. As far as my drinking goes… I grew up watching my mother drink copious amounts of liquor and it negatively impacted my life. I don’t want that for myself or my future. I’ll be honest… I love drinking. I love the taste and the way I feel once it sets in but I’m scared of becoming an alcoholic. I’m not at that point yet but I know if I keep traveling down the path I’m on, it could very well turn into that. Another thing I have to keep in mind is that I have bipolar disorder and individuals with bipolar disorder are more prone to struggling with substance abuse.
On a brighter note, some of the more positive ways I’ve been coping are attending therapy weekly, meditating, and writing. Therapy has been helping because I’m able to talk with my therapist about my true feelings. Having a session every Thursday provides me with the opportunity to say whatever I need to someone who doesn’t judge me.
I’ve spoken before about how meditation transformed my life. After my suicide attempts back in February, I fell off with my practice but I’ve slowly been getting back into the routine of things. It’s helping me sit with my thoughts and feelings and slowly release them. It keeps me feeling centered and more at peace.
As far as writing goes, since the breakup, I’ve found it challenging to write. I think part of it is because for me, once I write about something that makes it real. In between the pages of my journal lies some of my deepest thoughts. Throughout the years, writing has been the one thing that has kept me going. It has saved my life time and time again. I know that it will be one of the main things to guide me through this.
I believe one day I’ll realize this breakup was meant to happen. I’m not sure why yet… maybe it’s God’s way of trying to get me to focus on and love myself. If you’re currently going through something similar know that you’re not alone. Know that it’s ok to be down… it’s ok not to be ok but always remember that you’ll eventually have to pick yourself back up. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. I won’t sit here and say to only find positive ways to cope because, as I’ve mentioned I’ve been using alcohol and sex to cope. Cope how you need to for the moment. I hope this message reaches who it needs to.
If you’re currently experiencing domestic violence, keep reading for some resources. I’ve been in two relationships where the person I was with put their hands on me and I have personally used these resources and they’ve helped me find some clarity.
Domestic violence resources
National Domesitc Violence Website (You can chat with an advocate on their website)
National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-7233