2015- A Look Back

I cannot believe that this year is coming to an end… 2015 was not the best year for me… but it wasn’t all bad.

The first thing I think of when I look back is my Grandma. She passed away in January and from then on out it seemed as though everything was just going to go downhill. Finding ways to cope with the loss was hard, at first I’d call her phone sometimes just to see if she would pick up… of course I knew she wouldn’t but a part of me still had not accepted that she was no longer here. Sometimes I hate myself for not calling or trying to go see her more. I read the news article about her house catching on fire and picture how she spent the final seconds of her life. There are still questions that toss in my mind of how and why it had to happen…

I see so much pain and anger …This was the year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. The year I finally took the first steps to move on from heartbreak I had endured. The year I hated myself so much but one day woke up and decided it was time for a change. A positive change.

I use to stand in the mirror long enough to pick out every physical thing about myself that disgusted me. I beat myself up for messing up my first two years of high school, and for past mistakes. I allowed others to come in and when they would leave.. they’d take a piece of me with them. I never felt good enough for anyone. A lot of times I’d go out of my way to try and prove that I was enough.. but in the end I still wasn’t. I wasn’t happy with who I was or how I was living. I was a negative person with negative energy surrounding me. But about 5 or 6 months ago I cleaned off my glasses..

Deciding that I was going to make positive changes FOR ME was the best thing I have ever done. Saying I am going to live a more peaceful life then taking baby steps, daily was one of the best things that I could have ever done for myself. When I look back on 2015… I see a girl who lost herself from trying to live for others, from letting the past swallow her up. I see someone who went from a lost girl to a young lady who is working on herself every day. One of the worst years? Yes, but I have learned so much! I have made so much progress that everything that has happened was worth it. Because without all the falling I would not be where or who I am now. I would not be able to handle things with a positive mindset.

I am truly thankful to be alive and being able to see 2016! I am thankful for the people who have came into my life (even those who left). I can truly say that I am proud of myself.. I’ve been working but I am ready to go harder! Okay, it is not a new life.. but I believe 2016 will be a successful year. I will continue taking steps and continue to try and block out any negative energy that comes my way. I saw a meme on Instagram saying “I am coming for everything I deserve in 2016.” I AM!! And nothing will stop me.

I wish the best for all of you, I’m sending love and positive vibes your way!!

HAPPY (EARLY) NEW YEAR!!!!