“You’ve taught me things that no teacher of mine ever could.”
At about midnight, opening my notebook I began to write. Poetry began to flow from places I had no idea were still open. As it came I felt tears swelling in my eyes. This was it.. a place I had not been to in months. Revisiting feelings that have passed and ones that are still around.
Giving your heart to someone, watching them destroy it and you, then going back for more.. what could be better? No. Seriously..
In my poem I wrote “But truthfully if I could do it all again
And I don’t say that for the pain I say that because of how much progress I have made since .. I realized I had spent far too much time on a guy who could really care less about me. I had lost myself, I hated who I was because I felt like who I was.. wasn’t enough for him. I felt that all the love I was giving just wasn’t enough I had to give more.. I needed him to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. But what good was that if he only realized it the moment he needed something? I was weak… giving in time and time again..only to be the one awake at 1AM crying.
I have done so much growing, for me. So when I speak on doing it all over, I am saying it, he, has helped me slowly work on loving who I am. Getting to know Jaila over because there was a time I did not know who she was. No relationship, no falling for anyone or seeking approval.. nope. I’m so focused on who I am and who I am growing to be, that’s enough for me.
So for me this poem represents strength and growth.
I wish I could say that I’m
completely over you
But it’s nights like this that I lie awake, scrolling through your Instagram page.. just so that I can see you
It’s been about a year since I’ve seen you
The day before Thanksgiving you dropped my sister off at home and as you and I rode in the car alone..
I started to wonder if I’d ever be able to let you go
It’s not so much that I haven’t let you go
It’s more so the pain I have endured
I don’t know how to trust, and in my eyes all those after you will only treat me the same
So you could say I have my guard up
Nights like this I stare at the ceiling, motionless
Most days… I’m fine
Learning more and more about myself as days go by
I loved you and that was all
Made excuse after excuse for why I couldn’t just leave you alone ..
These last four months have showed me it was never that I couldn’t..no, I was afraid to give up on someone I’d without a double have given my last if it meant you’d be happy
I did not have the strength
Did not have what it took to look within and love myself before trying to love a man
Yes.. you destroyed me
There are pieces I’m not sure are fixable
But truthfully.. if I could do it all again
You’ve taught me things that no teacher of mine ever could
How to love who I am
Why I should love myself..
To put myself first, to know my worth
To open my eyes, I am enough
It’s nights like this that I realize I did what was best for me
That I can cry then smile
Because I set myself free
So many of us love another more than we love ourselves and it eventually costs us a lot.
Know when it is time to close the door and have the strength to walk away. And when you do.. make sure to go forward. Love yourself first and know your worth. Never let someone take you from you.