“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.”
― Alyssa Reyans,
I knew this would happen again. I knew that there was only a matter of time before I’d be sitting on my bedroom floor, looking into the mirror, and begging myself to hold on. Desperately trying to sort my thoughts, positives to the left and negatives to the right. What about the ones that made absolutely no sense? Where do they go? I had dealt with a week or two of symptoms so like I said.. I knew that there was only a matter of time. I keep track of my moods daily…Monday was great, I woke up that morning with a positive mindset. New week and a new month. I planned to put most of my focus on school. Tuesday, there was a little change… I began to worry about everything. I have always been one to worry. My mother goes up the street to the gas station, once 15-20 minutes pass I instantly panic. What is taking her so long? If she was just going to get a pack of cigarettes? Did she get into an accident? Was there a robbery and were they holding everyone hostage? Okay that sounds ridiculous but those are the thoughts that cross my mind. Wednesday I cried. I remember talking to my sister and I told her and only her that I knew I was about to have a break down, an episode. I use to try to ignore the signs praying that it would all just go away.. without getting worse. This time I was on it! I paid close attention to every little thing that seemed off.
- Trouble concentrating
- Hypersexual (I really do not like talking about this one but I want to be honest)
- Feeling worthless
- Feeling guilty
- Little to no sleep
- Excessive talkativeness
The one thing I am trying to figure out as I type this is whether this was a mixed episode or just a manic? I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder in April and I will never forget what led up to it. From the time I was 12 up until I was 16 going on 17 I was only diagnosed with major depression. For the first few years I felt like shit. Complete shit. Switching medications and therapists left and right didn’t help with that feeling. For me the first sign that I was dealing with more than major depression came in late 2014. Something wasn’t right and I knew this, yet nobody listened. The medication I was on only seemed to make it all worse. So without permission from my psychiatrist I stopped taking it because my gut feeling told me that Zoloft was only hurting me. “It has not reached your full therapeutic level yet.” BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!
I recall trying to strangle myself. OUT OF THE BLUE! I had been fine for the most part, Every time I talk about this I always describe it as something exploding in my head. Something ticked and when it did I lost it. All I knew was that I wanted the suffering stop. I wanted these thoughts to leave.. I wanted to die. This attempt is what led to me being placed in a youth group and meeting my current doctor who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I cannot express how thankful I am to have her as my psychiatrist.
I am not trying to write about my whole experience with mental illnesses..at least not all in one post.
Tonight when I had my breakdown as bad as I wanted to give up, I didn’t. I made a promise to myself awhile back that no matter what…. no matter how awful I feel I will NEVER give up. I locked myself in my room and turned the music up to drown out my sobs. I created a playlist specifically for these moments. I need music that speaks to me… that helps me pull myself through. I cut up construction paper and wrote “I feel” statements on them. I wrote myself a letter and read pages from older journal writings. After I was calm I wrote my mother a letter.. and cut up more paper, writing how I currently felt. Once I was able to think clearer I read them all out loud.
I often see others joking about being bipolar because they were just crying and now they are laughing. It is so much more than that! Most times I have trouble trying to explain it.. explain the episodes, my actions, feelings, my medications, all of it. THIS IS NOT FUN! Living with a mental disorder is not fun! It is nothing to joke about.
My site is named Helping Hands for a reason. I am sharing this for a reason. Not everyone is open about what they have or are currently going through.. I am. I want others to know they are not alone. It is not easy to keep pushing through. That moment when everything hits you and you ask yourself what is the point? What is my purpose? Why do I deserve this? Why does anyone deserve to feel this way? It is scary.. I know…but it is not the end. It is not all that there is to life. The quote I found and chose to use for this post stuck out to me because it is how I feel.